Anxiety, Poker and Optimism
It amazes me how adaptable we are as humans. Studies have shown that most people have a general "baseline" of happiness and, regardless of what happens in their life, tend to return to that baseline. I'm too lazy to find the exact reference, but if memory serves, this study involved two people - one who had lost a leg (or legs) and the other had won the lottery. Initially, as you might imagine, the person who lost their leg(s) experienced a large decrease in happiness, while the lottery winner experienced an immediate increase in happiness. Duh.
What's interesting, however, is that over time, both returned to their baseline level of contentedness. How can this be? The thought of losing a leg and never being able to walk or run (or jump on a trampoline!) sounds devastating to me. Conversely, just thinking about the amount of freedom/options I'd be afforded by winning the lottery makes me giddy.
I suppose I've been thinking about this phenomenon as a result of my sudden "life shift." Japan was great immediately following my departure from the shipyard, but didn't really nail home the reality waiting for me back in Washington. It was literally summer vacation - just like we all used to have between grades in school. After getting home, posting my previous blog, and taking a few days to get over my jet lag, I was suddenly faced with...options. No one to tell me what I should do. No one to hold me accountable. No one to let down. No expectations at all. Great, right? Exactly what I signed up for.
Yes and no. The truth is, I struggled the first few weeks in particular. It's truly amazing how having a start time at work, where people are expecting you, can motivate you to get out of bed and be productive regardless of how much sleep you'd had the night before. You simply have to wake up. There is no choice, save for the last-minute bullshit "I'm sick today" phone call. We've all been there - but my point stands. It's a lot easier to not be a lazy P.O.S. when there are forces outside of yourself beckoning you.
...but DAMN it feels good to get a solid eight hours of sleep every single night instead of my "before" six or seven. Zero regrets there as far as sleeping in goes haha.
Anyways, I definitely felt (and continue to feel) some self-imposed pressure, so I signed up for a gym membership and hit the felt pretty hard. That's slang for "play poker." This is what I plan on doing to support myself during school.
I can say with 100% certainty that poker *is* a skill game. If you are sufficiently skilled relative to your opponents, you can and will make money over time. Yes, it is gambling and yes, you will lose sometimes no matter how good you are. For anyone who takes the game seriously, you know that's what makes poker a beautiful game. If it were chess, the better players would win nearly 100% of the time and the losing players would either get better or stop playing for money pretty quickly. But with poker, there is enough of a luck element that unskilled players can and do win fairly often, which is what keeps them coming back.
Having said that, the inherent swings in the game will mess with your head. Even the most hardened professionals will agree with this. That's why "soft skills" like bankroll management are so important (having enough money set aside just for poker so that you can withstand variance in results).
As of today, here's what things look like. These are results since returning from Japan:
This accounts for about 300 hours of play. I'm obviously very happy with my results so far.
...but see all of those dips? I felt them. Hard. No matter how many times you inject logic into your brain and tell yourself, "You will lose sometimes," you'll never really know how it feels until it happens.
It sucks walking away from a poker table when you're losing any amount of money, let alone more than $1,000.
I'm pretty sure our brains are wired to conserve (perhaps a survival instinct). Because of this, losing something feels worse than gaining something feels good. This has been my experience and I suspect the experience of most people.
See that decent-sized dip around the mid 200-hour mark? I'm not sure exactly why, but that little "downswing" brought on anxiety in heaps.
I suspect a combination of the sudden-life change, lack of variety, and of course, money lost after that session, were the culprits. When I say "anxiety in heaps," I mean I had an irrational gut-wrenching feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that simply would not go away for days. It was like I just wanted to run and never stop just so I could distract myself. I definitely have some amount of generalized anxiety, but to date I've only had one full-blown panic attack - and that was soon after graduating college and dealing with the massive life change that that entailed. I came close another time - the first and only time I tried ecstasy, ironically. For that one, it was just an overwhelming feeling of "can't take it back" that overcame me once I swallowed. It turned out to be an ALRIGHT night once I calmed down. (I feel like I really set myself up with those last two sentences...)
Thankfully, I do seem to have the wherewithal to recognize and take action when something isn't right. So, I took a break. I reminded myself what I'm grateful for often. I took a lot of walks in nature. If only I had had a place to park a backyard trampoline - you'd bet I'd have spent a silly amount of time just bouncing and thinking and listening to music. These simple things really do reduce my stress and make me feel happier. This isn't meant to imply that everyone's anxiety can just be "will-powered" away or treated with simple, concrete steps. It's just been my experience.
Going forward, I intend to implement a little more balance in life (social/school/poker) for my sanity. I played almost 300 hours of poker, but only managed maybe a solid 10 hours of undivided attention toward my schoolwork. The entirety of the first part of my schooling is estimated to take about 100 hours total, and I have until the middle of February to complete it. Even so, I don't want to be the idiot in class who waits until the very last minute.
Feeling rather optimistic and happy about life in general.
Until next time.
What's interesting, however, is that over time, both returned to their baseline level of contentedness. How can this be? The thought of losing a leg and never being able to walk or run (or jump on a trampoline!) sounds devastating to me. Conversely, just thinking about the amount of freedom/options I'd be afforded by winning the lottery makes me giddy.
I suppose I've been thinking about this phenomenon as a result of my sudden "life shift." Japan was great immediately following my departure from the shipyard, but didn't really nail home the reality waiting for me back in Washington. It was literally summer vacation - just like we all used to have between grades in school. After getting home, posting my previous blog, and taking a few days to get over my jet lag, I was suddenly faced with...options. No one to tell me what I should do. No one to hold me accountable. No one to let down. No expectations at all. Great, right? Exactly what I signed up for.
Yes and no. The truth is, I struggled the first few weeks in particular. It's truly amazing how having a start time at work, where people are expecting you, can motivate you to get out of bed and be productive regardless of how much sleep you'd had the night before. You simply have to wake up. There is no choice, save for the last-minute bullshit "I'm sick today" phone call. We've all been there - but my point stands. It's a lot easier to not be a lazy P.O.S. when there are forces outside of yourself beckoning you.
...but DAMN it feels good to get a solid eight hours of sleep every single night instead of my "before" six or seven. Zero regrets there as far as sleeping in goes haha.
Anyways, I definitely felt (and continue to feel) some self-imposed pressure, so I signed up for a gym membership and hit the felt pretty hard. That's slang for "play poker." This is what I plan on doing to support myself during school.
I can say with 100% certainty that poker *is* a skill game. If you are sufficiently skilled relative to your opponents, you can and will make money over time. Yes, it is gambling and yes, you will lose sometimes no matter how good you are. For anyone who takes the game seriously, you know that's what makes poker a beautiful game. If it were chess, the better players would win nearly 100% of the time and the losing players would either get better or stop playing for money pretty quickly. But with poker, there is enough of a luck element that unskilled players can and do win fairly often, which is what keeps them coming back.
Having said that, the inherent swings in the game will mess with your head. Even the most hardened professionals will agree with this. That's why "soft skills" like bankroll management are so important (having enough money set aside just for poker so that you can withstand variance in results).
As of today, here's what things look like. These are results since returning from Japan:
This accounts for about 300 hours of play. I'm obviously very happy with my results so far.
...but see all of those dips? I felt them. Hard. No matter how many times you inject logic into your brain and tell yourself, "You will lose sometimes," you'll never really know how it feels until it happens.
It sucks walking away from a poker table when you're losing any amount of money, let alone more than $1,000.
I'm pretty sure our brains are wired to conserve (perhaps a survival instinct). Because of this, losing something feels worse than gaining something feels good. This has been my experience and I suspect the experience of most people.
See that decent-sized dip around the mid 200-hour mark? I'm not sure exactly why, but that little "downswing" brought on anxiety in heaps.
I suspect a combination of the sudden-life change, lack of variety, and of course, money lost after that session, were the culprits. When I say "anxiety in heaps," I mean I had an irrational gut-wrenching feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that simply would not go away for days. It was like I just wanted to run and never stop just so I could distract myself. I definitely have some amount of generalized anxiety, but to date I've only had one full-blown panic attack - and that was soon after graduating college and dealing with the massive life change that that entailed. I came close another time - the first and only time I tried ecstasy, ironically. For that one, it was just an overwhelming feeling of "can't take it back" that overcame me once I swallowed. It turned out to be an ALRIGHT night once I calmed down. (I feel like I really set myself up with those last two sentences...)
Thankfully, I do seem to have the wherewithal to recognize and take action when something isn't right. So, I took a break. I reminded myself what I'm grateful for often. I took a lot of walks in nature. If only I had had a place to park a backyard trampoline - you'd bet I'd have spent a silly amount of time just bouncing and thinking and listening to music. These simple things really do reduce my stress and make me feel happier. This isn't meant to imply that everyone's anxiety can just be "will-powered" away or treated with simple, concrete steps. It's just been my experience.
Going forward, I intend to implement a little more balance in life (social/school/poker) for my sanity. I played almost 300 hours of poker, but only managed maybe a solid 10 hours of undivided attention toward my schoolwork. The entirety of the first part of my schooling is estimated to take about 100 hours total, and I have until the middle of February to complete it. Even so, I don't want to be the idiot in class who waits until the very last minute.
Feeling rather optimistic and happy about life in general.
Until next time.
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